The Watermelon Killer
by Beansith
Summary: James, Heather, and Eddie try and find a vicious fruit murderer before it's too late. Characters from all of the Silent Hill games are in this so don't be surprised!
1. Chapter 1: The discovery

It all started after a night like no other. The wind was blowing garbage cans over and a few kids got trapped in a couple of trees. Just your normal rain shower. But the sky was purple and the clouds were red. Which was an obvious sign that something bad was gonna happen. That morning Eddie Dombrowski had to wake to something horrible. Something... unthinkable...

Heather stared at James in udder disbelieve. "What do you mean you're going to be a vegetarian? You don't even like vegetables and you definitely don't like long periods of time without meat. Which could pose a problem."

"Heather JEEZ! Don't be so negative. I'll just PRETEND I'm not eating meat." James nodded at her from across the table.

"That kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it, James? I mean... if you want to be a vegetarian, you do it for you and the animals you want to save... so eating the animals is kind of pointless. AND you're eating a hamburger as we speak!"

"You just don't get it. First of all, this is Happy BURGER! They don't serve anything that wasn't living at one point! And second of all, the animals are already dead when I meet them... duh! So if I'm a vegetarian, I just don't kill them. You're stupid!" James rolled his eyes and sat back in his chair. Just then the door burst open and Eddie flew in holding a bag from the grocery store. A soft pink liquid was spilling out of it onto the floor. "Oh my god, Eddie! What happened?"

"I-this morning... it was early... I didn't know who else to turn to!" Eddie collapsed into James' arms and both men burst into tears. "WHY GOD?"

"I don't know! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE CRYING ABOUT!" James sobbed into Eddie's grease soaked shirt.

...20 minutes later...

"Okay seriously, why are we crying?"

"This morning... sniff... I woke up and..." Eddie handed the bag to Heather. "Here! It's just too painful!"

"Wow it's... wow... " She shook her head and sat the bag on the ground. "It's a Watermelon." Heather said,. "Only it looks like it's been stabbed a few times. Did you need help cutting this up, Eddie? 'Cause I got time."

"I didn't do that you sick freak!" Eddie spat back in disgust. "Somebody didn't know that I don't lock my door, broke a window, climbed in, and murdered my watermelon. I was saving that for a special night. I'd grown attached to her... and now... SHE'S GONE!"

"You could always just cut it up and eat it. It'd be less... painful?" Heather covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. "But who would do such a terrible crime?" She chuckled.

"Stop laughing, Heather! It was probably you who did this!" James stared at Heather suspiciously.

"Wow, James... I'm surprised you haven't accused yourself yet."

"GASP! Why would I do such a horrible thing? I don't know, why would I? Stop that! Stop what? Acting suspicious! I'm not acting, self... I'm not acting! OH MY GOD I THINK I DID IT! I think I murdered Eddie's watermelon... Why did I do it... That was so mean of me."

"Shut up, James. you couldn't have done it. You wouldn't have been smart enough to keep quiet as long as you have.. When did this happen Eddie?"

"Well, I walked into the kitchen at around 2 in the morning to find Claudia standing there with a gun, but she always does that. Pulling her, 'Oh I'm such a loser I'm just going to shoot myself' routine, ya know." Heather nodded. "But somebody else was with her. Another taller, or maybe shorter, girl. With longer or shorter black or blonde... or red.. hair. I'm not sure. Maybe it was a guy. So, who was it? ...Heather?... Heather..."

chirp chirp

"Wow, Eddie. I have no idea. Let's make a list of all the people who have a problem with you." Immediately, Heather regretted that decision. Luckily James was smart enough to understand why it was a bad idea.

"Nah, that would take too long."

"What do you mean it would take too long? People love me!" Eddie was turning red and sweating.

"Yeah, and they love how you kill there pets and... them... too." Heather forced Eddie into the seat where she had been sitting and sat across from him. "Look Eddie, there's something you need to know. You only won the 'Little Miss Silent Hill' pageant because all the other contestants tested positive for HIV or Steroids." Heather said.

"No... No! I won that contest because I'm beautiful! ...I'm beautiful..." Eddie started crying again.

"We're never going to get anywhere if we just keep sitting here. And Eddie, you'll never find the murderer if you just keep crying. It's not doing us any good. Let's go look for clues." Said James jumping up from the table, banging his knee, falling back into his chair, crying for fifteen minutes, and then carefully standing back up. "WHOO!" Heather followed with Eddie sniffling behind her.

"Where to first, Heather?" James asked.

"Uh... We'll need supplies. So let's go to Walmida-Mart and get some stuff."

Eddie looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "What do we need to get?"

Heather turned beet red and scratched the back of her neck. "Just... stuff... LET'S GO!"


	2. Chapter 2: The Search

They walked into Walmida-Mart and James and Eddie headed to the toys section while heather took off to the tampon isle. "So James, who do YOU think did it?" They passed by Claudia standing on top of one of the sales racks screaming about how she hates life and all of these mother f-ers will pay when she gets blood all over their clothes. "I don't know. Maybe it was that guy that works at Neely's. He did say once that he didn't like watermelon."

"Hey look!" Eddie said. They were standing in the grocery section of the store where they kept all the melon types. "More watermelon than stars! I didn't know this was a Super Walmida-Mart!"

"Hey guys!" Came a mysterious voice from behind. Both men turned around to see Angela standing there smiling.

"Hey, Angela! How are you?" James asked. He was about to go up to give her a hug but saw the knife she usually carried and stopped. "G-good to see you. cough"

"Angela, how do you feel about watermelon?" Eddie asked.

"I love watermelon. Why?"

"Just asking. So James, who do you think did it? See you later, Angela."

Angela smiled and waved "Bye guys." As James and Eddie turned around Angela's eyes started to gloss over and while they were walking away she ran past screaming and laughing like a wild woman. When they turned around every single watermelon had been cut into pieces. Juice was flying everywhere and seeds were laying on the floor and stuck to the ceiling. Two sales clerks with mops quickly ran up and started mopping up the mess while two more started putting up "do not cross" tape. "Who keeps doing that?" One of the clerks asked the other that just stood there shrugging.

"...I have no idea, Eddie!" James said as they turned around and walked on.

Meanwhile...

"Hm... super absorbent or overnight?"

"Hey Heather!" Came another random voice from behind her.

"JESUS! Uh.. Hi, Vincent... VINCENT! GET AWAY FROM ME! I already told you! The restraining order is still in effect until the 24th." Heather said backing away from him slowly.

"It IS the 24th, Heather... Why won't you just date me? I'm not THAT much older than you. We'd have a wild time..." Vincent was walking closer and closer to her and twitching a little. "Come on.. one date! Just let me buy you a drink!"

"Look, Vincent... My idea of a wild time isn't exac-" Heather turned and ran down the isle as fast as she could. Vincent pulled up in a wheelchair next to her.

"We don't have to keep fighting like this, Heather. Just give in. You know you want this."

All of a sudden techno music started playing, Heather was stopped dead in her tracks, and Vincent was standing in front of her dancing in a speed-o. Girls were screaming in the background and disco lights were flashing.

"WHOO VINCENT! TAKE IT OFF!" Screamed a distant voice.

"Oh my god! That is disgusting! You're...EH!" Heather ran up to Eddie and James who were both staring at Vincent evilly.

"Don't come near her again or I'll... hit you with a brick!" James said.

"Yeah! Got it?" Eddie said in a pathetically threatening voice.

"You guys know that you're just jealous because all these women want my hot body." He pointed at the crowd of women standing near by flipping through magazine articles and checking out sale's prices. "yeah, they want me... Didn't you hear the screams. Somebody told me to 'take it off'! Didn't you hear!"

"Yeah, that was me." James said, still glaring at Vincent. "Shoo! Go on now!" He waved his hands as if he were shooing away a puppy who was following him around. Vincent started to cry and ran away screaming about how some day him and Heather will marry and make beautiful babies.

Heather smiled and put her arm around James' shoulders "Thank you, you gu-"

"Huh?"

"I said thank yo-"

"What's that?"

Heather sighed, "Thanks."

"No problem. Did you find any clues?" Eddie asked.

"No, all I found was that no store in this world carries Pearl anymore!"

"Duh! Only oysters carry those!" James said mater-of-factly.

"What about you guys. Anything at all that could remotely point to anybody being the psycho who's killing watermelon?... anybody at all...any clues what so ever..."

James stared at Heather like he was thinking really really hard.. "...nope. Let's go home."


	3. Chapter 3: Heather's Apartment

Heather walked into her apartment (which would later be used by a man named Henry in a later game) while James and Eddie took off to get something to eat. "God what a day. " She said, kicking off her shoes and flopping onto her couch, which coughed out a giant cloud of dust when she did. Heather dosed off to sleep and about an hour later James and Eddie knocked on the door twice before flinging it open and walking in.

"Oh, hey guys, (yawn)find anything to eat?" Heather asked.

"No! Everybody is either closed, kicked us out already, looked at us like we were going to get kicked out, or was Neely's Bar." Eddie said.

James shook his head, "Man, we saw Vincent and he looks way different!"

"Yeah, he like, shaved his head and stuff." Eddie added.

"No he didn't you idiot! But he does still look different."

Eddie punched James in the shoulder. "Don't call me an idiot!" He screamed. "You're a bigger idiot than I am!"

"Don't act like one! And at least I don't smell like moldy ass!" James shouted back.

"BOYS! Knock it off!" Heather said, standing up and separating them by their shoulders as they glared evily at one another. "Come on, Watermelons are dying and you two are fighting like a married couple."

Eddie frowned and looked at James. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." James said.

"James!" Heather punched him in the shoulder. "What did we learn today so far, kids?" She asked as she let go of both of them and stepped back.

"That Eddie needs a shower?" James asked.

"Hey!"

"Boys! Knock it off!. No, James, I mean about the watermelon case. Did we learn anything?"

"No. Nothing really except that Claudia is the only person in the world who can attempt suicide in a super center and nobody notices." Eddie said dully.

"Okay, what I think we learned was that people are obviously sneaky. I mean, everybody in the whole town must have been there today, so we must have passed them at least once. We were, after all, split up. Where did you guys go to?" Heather asked while pacing the room.

"We were going to go to the toys, but Eddie brought it to my short attention span that we were standing in the melon isle. Eddie goes, 'more melon than stars' and then we saw Angela. We asked her what she thought about watermelon and she said she loves it, so it can't be her. Then we were walking to the toys after saying goodbye to Angela, who had this weird look on her face, when she ran past us screaming. When we turned around there was watermelon everywhere." James looked at Heather, who was staring at him blankly. "Heather? Are you okay?"

"Huh, oh sorry, I wasn't listening. So, you went to the melon section and then to the toys?"

Eddie nodded. "Yeah, but we sa-"

"Never mind that, what did the watermelons look like?"

James looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Before of after Ang-"

"Before!" Heather said irritated.

"Fine, they all looked like they should, happy and peaceful... not doing anything to anybody!" Eddie burst into tears and James held onto him.

"Look what you did, Heather!" James shouted.

"Hey! I was just trying to make sure you guys didn't see anything suspicious! Apparently none of you even know what suspicious things look like. This...Angela... when she ran past you, did she have a blade of any kind?"

"Well, yeah, but she always carries around a knife, so it's normal to see her with it." James said.

"Oh, okay fine. Maybe we should just leave it alone. I mean, it's just a watermelon, I know Eddie was attached to it, but it was just fruit." Heather said.

Eddie glared at Heather and clenched his fists. "Just give up! I'm not giving up on anyth-"

"Hey are you guys still hungry?" Heather asked.

"Oh! Yes, please." Eddie said happily.

"I've got some snack meats and stuff if you're interested. There's some melon in the fridge that my grandmother sent me from hell... I mean Wisconsin." Heather opened the refrigerator and stepped back screaming.

"What's wrong?" Eddie asked as him and James ran up to her. Heather dropped to her knees and Eddie and James ran up behind her.

"Oh my god, Eddie. It's worse than we thought." James said resting a hand on Heather's shoulder.

"My grandmother's watermelon... It's gone... all gone!"

Heather's face turned red and she stood up, slammed the fridge door shut, threw on her coat and flung the door open. "Are you guys going to help me find this broad or are you just going to stand there?"

"SHE'S BACK IN THE GAME!" Eddie screamed.

"Quick, Heather! Let's go to Neely's and interview the bartender!" James yelled.

"Anything! Just get me out of here!" Heather said.


	4. Chapter 4: Vincent? Is that really you?

And so, Heather, James, and Edwardo set off to Neely's to have a chat with the bartender. But Heather was getting less and less impressed the closer they got to the door. "Are you sure this is the place, James?"

"Yeah, I've been here a lot since my wife died." He replied.

"Oh, I just expected more. It looks kind of run down." Heather said.

"Oh, once you get used to the smell and the dead bodies lying on the floor and the rats on the pool table and the bugs in your drink and the toilets that ha-"

"Okay, stop! I get it, but I don't know if I want to go in there."

"Why not? Once you get used to the crabby people and the flies and the diseases an-"

"James! We get it! Let's just go in and hurry it up, okay? I don't think I want herpes." James pushed the door open and an unbelievably gorgeous man was standing behind the bar holding a bottle of vodka and pouring it into a glass. Heather stared at him in disbelieve. "Maybe we could stay just for a while..."

"Hey, Vin-"

"Shhh! James, don't ruin the moment... one hot guy in all of Silent Hill and I haven't met him yet." Heather said, still dreamily staring.

Eddie looked at Heather and shook his head. "Yes you have, Heather... That's Vin-"

"Eddie! Shut up! I'm trying to stare." Drool spilled out of Heather's mouth onto the floor.

_Dream weaver, I believe we can make it through the night! _

"Whatever.. Can we get a malt? Hold the fetus." Eddie said walking up to the counter.

"Sure!... Heather... I see you've decided to get out of your apartment once in a while. And what brings you here?" Said the mysterious man behind the bar in a snoody tone.

"How do you know my name?" Heather asked, still in a dreamy daze.

"...Don't act like you don't know me." The man said while making a strawberry double malt.

"Well, what's your name? Maybe I'll remember you..."

"Vincent you idiot!" He said, slamming the malt on the bar and sliding it to Eddie.

Eddie stood up and threw the glass at Vincent angrily, getting malt all over him. "I said no fetus!"

"Oh, sorry, I'm a little distracted." He said, "I'll make you a new one, this one's on the house." He pulled his shirt off and threw it on the floor.

_Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo... I've been really try'n baby! Try'na hold back this feelin' for so long! And if you feel... like I fe-- _

"WHAT?" Heather screamed as she stood up. "Vincent? What happened to you?"

"Oh for sure! Now you know. I got surgery to try and impress you, but once I got out of office and saw Cynthia sitting there waiting for her breast implants, I realized.." He paused to brush his hair to one side, " I can do so much better than you now that I'm hot. So I came here and started working. The other guy was arrested for being the suspect of a vicious killing of some kind." Vincent said.

"Watermelons?" Eddie asked.

"No, I'm pretty sure she said dogs."

"She who?" Eddie asked.

"Cybil Bennett." Vincent replied.

"So, Vincent... how about that date? You just give me one try and I'll prove that I'm the right girl for you!" Heather said as she pretty much crawled over the bar toward him. "You can't tell me you don't want me.."

Vincent reached out to touch Heather but suddenly stopped and jerked his head toward the window. Outside was the creepy hotel with a big house behind it. "I have to bathe mother..." He said as he jumped out the window and ran toward the house.

"Well, that was sufficiently awkward." Heather said as she got down off the bar and straightened her hair. "So what do you guys say we head to the police station and do a little interviewing."

"Why? Vincent said the guy was killing dogs." James said as he helped Eddie off the bar stool.

"Yeah Heather Jeeeeeeeeeezzzz... Don you know when a jussss gif up?" Eddie said in a thick slur. "I am ssssooo buzzt."

"Eddie, malts don't have alcohol in them." Heather said, looking back at him with a "you're an idiot" expression on her face.

"Oh right!" He said, standing up straight and walking out of the bar. "TO THE POLICE STATION!"

"Exactly! Vincent's looks may have changed, but his idiocy hasn't!" Heather took James by the hand and James took Eddie by the hand and they all three skipped to the Police station.

"---And so I said, 'Yeah, I know I saw him steal your purse, but I still can't do anything about it!' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The cop looked over at them and adjusted his hat, "Can I help you kids?" He asked.

"Yeah! I'm looking for Police Officer Cybil Bennett. Is there any way that we could get a hold of her?" Heather smiled as Cop number one looked at her in a surprised way.

"Who are you? And why do you want to talk to Cybil?" He said in a shaky voice.

"Just your friendly neighborhood trouble makers." Eddie said with a smile. "And we just have some questions for her."

"Y-yeah...just... here." He handed James a piece of paper with an address and a phone number on it. "Just go there or call...she never leaves... unless she's working..."

"Thanks a bundle Mr.!" James said as the three of them walked out the door. "What a nice man."


	5. Chapter 5: Landmines and Cement

As to not waste any time, they immediately ignored the warning signs that the police men were giving off about meeting with Cybil and skipped to the address on the paper. "Okay, this is the place..." In front of them stood a large building made of cement blocks. The door was titanium steel with one obviously bullet proof window at the top. The rest of the "house" was sealed up completely.

"James, go knock on the door." Eddie said.

"No! I'm scared..." James replied.

Heather rolled her eyes and started walking toward the house. "I'll do it!" she said. As she got closer she could see that the grass was cut perfectly straight with not one single misplaced blade. There were little landmine looking things all over the yard, which made Heather quite uneasy. "Uh, guys, maybe we should just go back. This is really freakin' me out!" She said over her shoulder.

"Look who's the Mrs. McWhimperton now!" James said.

"Heather is scared!" Eddie laughed.

"Heather's a wimp, Heather's a wimp, Heather's a wimp!" Both Eddie and James chanted in a little girl sing song voice.

"SHUT UP! I AM NOT!" She clutched her fists and ran up to the door as fast as she could. When she got to the door there was little doorbell, nearly invisible to the human eye, sitting next to the door knob. _Here goes the moment of truth. _Heather thought. She slowly, slowly, slowly, raised her shaking hand and pressed the doorbell. And when she did all she heard was,

_ANSWER THE DOOR!_

Heather jumped back in surprise and nearly soiled herself. "What the hell was that?" She yelled back to the guys, who were standing there holding each other and shaking.

Eddie shrugged a little and looked at James. "I think it was the doorbell."

"Well, nobody's answering so we mi-" Just as Heather was about to finish her sentence, the door burst open and there stood a tall, angry looking woman with short blonde hair.

"Can I help you?" She said in an obviously annoyed tone.

"Y-Yeah... I was just wondering if we... my f-friends and I... c-could come in and talk to you f-for a while." Heather stammered.

"Well, why didn't you say so! Of course! We don't get a lot of company around these parts." Heather looked around. Behind her there was a large busy city going on and on either side were houses with people hanging out in their yards.

"I can see that..."

"Come on in!" Cybil flung the door open and inside was a normal everyday house, despite the lack of windows.

"James! Eddie! Let's go!" Heather yelled.

"COMING!" They both yelled back.

Heather walked inside with Cybil and sat down on her couch. "I'm glad you guys are here." Cybil said as James and Eddie walked in through the door. "I get kind of lonely when I'm here all alone. That's why I work so much, I think."

"Well, I'm glad you have time for us today. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you some questions about somebody you recently arrested." Heather pulled a notepad and a pen out of her pocket and sat down on the couch.

"Well, I can't really disclose any real details, but I can be as vague as possible without telling you anything. So, who is this person we're here for?"

"The bartender at Neely's Bar. What was he arrested for?" James asked.

"Well, it all started when I woke up and was craving watermelon, I walked into the kitchen and there he was, standing there, carving up the only one I had. Of course, he had spent the night with me because we were both drunk and so we started to (CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION). And I thought I was craving watermelon because I was pregnant or something, I was unfortunately right, but he was still standing there eating MY FOOD. So I kicked him out of my house and mourned for my lost melon. It took years to muster the courage to arrest him for it, but when I did I was told I would get custody of our daughter if he was found guilty." She got up and started walking to the kitchen, James, Heather, and Eddie followed. They walked through the door and there, standing in the middle of the room, wiping pinkish juice from her massive knife, was Angela.

"Oh, uh... hey guys..." That's when everybody noticed the watermelon massacre that had obviously taken place in that kitchen only moments ago.

"...Hey Angela." Cybil said with a smile.

"I'm... gotta go!" She bolted through the house and out the door before any of them could register the mess in the kitchen.

"What a nice girl she is." Cybil looked around the room and started to scream. "HE'S BEEN HERE AGAIN! BUT HOW DID HE GET OUT OF HIS MANACLES?"

Heather scratched the back of her neck. "Are you serious? Angela obviously-"

"No, I know what you're going to say and I don't believe a word of it. Angela would NEVER let him out of the basement." She stopped and threw her hand over her mouth.

"Basement?" Eddie and James both said while looking at one another.

"I'm afraid my secret is out. I was scared that with him in jail he'd be able to tell all my dirty little secrets OR WORSE! I might have gotten custody of Amillia! I can't stand that little... it doesn't matter... but now that you know my little secret... I'll have you locked away with him! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" At that all three ran screaming for the door and ran through the yard, dodging the landmines. "I was just kidding." Cybil said to herself.

It happened as if in slow motion. Eddie tripped over his own shoe and landed on the biggest landmine of them all.

"_Ts ts ts ts ts." _

Was the only sound they heard as every mine in the yard... started to water the lawn.

"SPRINKLERS?" Heather screamed. "You've got to be kidding me!"


	6. Chapter 6: Dr Phil

And thus, three soaking wet awesome amigos walked silently towards town. _Well, that was fun_. Heather thought to herself. The sun beat down on them harshly as they walked. "You'd think that being as we're wet, the sun would be a good thing." James said to nobody in particular.

"Where are we going to go now?" Eddie asked.

"Well, I suppose we could go HOME! Seeing as how we're all completely DRENCHED! Perhaps a nice CHANGE OF CLOTHES! is in order!" She yelled back at him.

"Pst, Eddie." James whispered. "What do you think she's trying to say?"

"What I'm getting at, James, is that you two nitwits have done nothing but make me look like a fool since we started this little adventure. I'm hot, I'm tired, and I have water squirting out of my shoes every time I take a step. It's almost night time anyway. Does anybody have a watch? I don't want to miss Dr. Phil." James pulled up both of his sleeves. There was a black wrist watch on his left wrist.

"Good boy, James. What time is it?" Heather asked.

"I don't know, this watch doesn't work." He replied with a smile.

"Than why do you put it on every day?" Eddie asked as he smacked James in the back of the head.

James glared at Eddie, "Ow! Because Duh! It makes me look cool." He said, mater-of-factly.

"Boys, it doesn't matter! Eddie, how about you?" Heather asked, not looking up.

"Yeah, roll 'em up Eddie." James said..

"...James... I don't have sleeves." He replied.

"Oh right, are either one of those wristband things a watch?" James asked.

"No... no they're not..." Eddie replied bitterly.

"Oh, come on Eddie, what's wrong?" Heather asked.

"I want a wrist watch so I can be cool, too." Eddie broke into sobs and stopped walking. "Heather, why does James get all of the cool stuff? I don't even get a clean shirt." Heather put her arm around him and smiled.

"Don't worry, Eddie, we'll go to your house and get your clothes and then we'll wash them at mine, okay?"

"Uh, Heather..." He motioned for her to lean in for a secret. "I don't have any other clothes than what I'm wearing." He whispered into her ear.

"GREAT! Than I'll let you borrow one of my ex-boyfriend's outfits for tonight, wash your clothes, and in the morning... WE SHOP!" Heather skipped the rest of the way home with both Eddie and James linked to her arms.

They walked through the door just as the clock struck 10:00 p.m. "YES! It's time for the Dr. Phil daily rerun." She quickly kicked off her shoes and jumped on the couch. "Eddie, quick, throw me that remote." Eddie ran over to the coffee table and threw her the remote. "Thanks." She turned on the TV just as a tall chubby Dr. Phil sat down in his little chair to begin his show. "You guys can either watch this with me or go get something to eat. I don't have much food here."

"That's okay, we'd planned on going to catch a bite to eat. See ya, Heather." And with that, James grabbed Eddie's hand and they walked out the door.

On the TV: _"Tonight, on Dr. Phil, we'll talk to four people from around the world who have had one specific thing they loved taken from them. Four people from around the world who have had the same life devastating event happen. After that, we'll talk to a woman who says her husband doesn't put out like he should. Following that tragic story is one of a once hideous man turned god. After this commercial break."_

_"Do your eyes ever get sore? It could just be that they've been used all day, but it could also be a fatal illness where you blink too much during the day which causes your brain to not keep up, and you die of a head explosion. Just call 1-888-I-think-Im-dying and we'll send you a free sample of blink-be-gone in the mail."_

_Tonight on the Kare11 ten to the hour report:_

"_New discovery shows that a common household idem could be killing you right now. Tonight at ten to the hour!" _

Heather grabbed a pillow and laid down on her couch just as Dr. Phil came back on.

_"Okay, so our first guest today is Clam Idia. This is a young woman who had somebody break into her house and destroy it. Now tell us Clam. How did this happen exactly?"_

_"Well, it was weird... like... they threw everything around like it wasn't what they were looking for... I think the most disturbing thing about all of this is that they demolished my kitchen, and diced my prize winning watermelon into pieces. It was literally in shreds by the time I even got to the kitchen. All I saw was a brunette woman jump out of the window and run across my lawn. I was so stunned I didn't even check for specific features or anything."_

Heather sat up quickly and stared at the TV The show went on to interview three others with the same thing happen to them. But it was strange because they all saw the same woman, but none of them were in the same country. She quickly wrote their names down and tucked the sheet of paper in her pocket. "This could be useful later!"

_"And now, for the uplifter of the show is a man named Vincent who changed his geeky looks to impress a woman who he now doesn't want." _


	7. Chapter 7: No offence, Eddie

Heather reached for the phone to try and contact the Dr. Phil show for the phone numbers of the three people she'd written down on the piece of paper in her pocket, when she noticed that above the flashing number on the TV screen was Vincent's head. "Oh god, he's still hot." And with that, the paper fell from her hands onto the floor. "Oh Vincent, I'm so sorry I ever told you to stop stalking me. I wish I could just tell you now that it's okay if you're standing in my shower with a camera when I open the curtain. You're hot now... Oh Vincent... How I wish I'd seen this coming." She said to the screen as she pressed against it and rubbed Vincent's virtual cheek.

"Heather, what are you doing?" Eddie asked as they both walked in holding bags from McDonald's.

"Dusting... Eheh..." She said, getting to her feet and shutting the TV off. "Oooh, that looks good."

"We brought you something incase you decided not to open your fridge... what with the... you know... mess in there." James said, setting his bag on her counter.

"Thanks guys, that was really thoughtful. What did you bring me."

"There's chicken fingers, a medium fry, and either a coke or Dr. Pepper. I don't remember." Eddie said, handing Heather one of the bags he was holding.

"Oh thanks guys. You really should have been here earlier Vincent was on Dr. Phil, but he was looking really good with all that stage makeup on. Grrr." Heather said, shoving a french fry in her mouth. "There was something else too, but I forgot." James sat down on a little chair at the breakfast bar.

"Oh Heather, I brought money for shopping tomorrow."

"Good good. Um... let me go get you some of my ex's clothes and you can change into them in the bathroom." She ran into her room and dug through her drawers. Eddie and James walked in as she was tossing odd clothing onto the bed. "Nope." Out flies a bathrobe with a bunch of holes in it. "Not this." Onto the bed went a leather thong and slave hood. "I've been looking for this." She said as she tossed a red gag ball onto the floor behind her.

Numerous more BDSM toys and clothes were thrown out of the dresser until she reached what she was looking for. "AHA! I've found it!" She pulled a pair of sweatpants and a big flannel shirt out from the drawer and tossed them to Eddie.

"Uh... I've seen your ex and he's pretty small... these aren't going to fit him, no offence Eddie." James said.

"No, it's true..." Eddie agreed.

"No, it's okay, it's from when he was really fat, they'll fit him fine. Uh.. sorry Eddie, no offence." Heather said.

"None taken." Eddie replied.

"Yeah, but he was never quite this big." James said pointing to Eddie's stomach. "You know what I mean Eddie, I don't mean to offend you."

"Nope, I understand." He said smiling.

"Yes he was, he was fricken HUGE! They may be a little bit tight on Eddie though. Oh, I'm sorry, no offence." Heather said with an apologetic look.

"Not offended at all." Eddie said with another cheery smile.

"A LITTLE tight? These babies are gonna stretch like Richard Simons before a good workout. Oh gosh, sorry about that Eddie, no offence."

"Nope, none." Eddie replied, still smiling happily.

"Well, I don't have anything else in this drawer that could possibly fit him besides my ex boyfriend's fat clothes. I know he was enormous before he lost the weight so I figured they'd fit Eddie, but if you don't think they will I could just give Eddie a sheet to wear like a toga. If you think that might fit him. Oh Jeez Eddie, I'm sorry. No offence, honestly." Heather said slapping herself in the forehead. "You're just being so quiet it's hard to remember you're even here."

"What are you talking about?" James asked. "He's a little hard to miss."

"He didn't mean anything by that, Eddie." Heather said.

"Don't worry, I'm not offended." Eddie said.

"Okay, well, I think the toga thing will have to do." Heather said.

"Sure, if you've got a California King sized bed sheet maybe." James said.

"I do! I used to own a Cali King when I was still with my ex."

"Okay, than I guess the toga thing wi-" James started.

"What..." Eddie interrupted. "Why you sick little freaks. First the S and M toys and now you want to put me in a TOGA! This has gone too far. I... I'm just... God you people are rude!" Eddie snapped as he went to walk out the door.

"Eddie, we're sorry! I thought you said you weren't offended." Heather said grabbing his arm.

"I wasn't until you wanted to dress me like Gondi."

"Okay okay, sorry about that Eddie. I didn't mean to say all those things about your weight." James said smiling sadly at Eddie.

"I don't care about that. It's just that... I really don't want to wear a sheet around my naked body."

"Ew... come to think of it... I don't really want you to wear a sheet over your naked body." Heather said. "No offence or anything, Eddie."

"I've got it!" James said all of a sudden. "Heather, you'll need to go wait in the living room, we've got work to do!"


	8. Chapter 8: The Makeover

Heather walked into her living room and picked up a book she hadn't read in a while and started reading. "I don't remember what page I was on when I started this book... I know I was about done, but I don't even remember half of what was said... I'll just start over." Four hours after she sat down in the living room Heather decided maybe she should go see if they were okay. There hadn't been any screams or crying in a while and she was starting to worry. "Hey guys, is everything okay in there?" She called, about to get off the couch.

"Yeah, everything s fine!" James called back. "We're just waiting for the team to get here."

"The Team?" Heather thought.

"Don't worry about a thing Heather, everything's going to be fine." Eddie said.

"I'm comforted, really..." She said sarcastically. Heather went back to reading her book and after about 20 minutes or so, there was a knock at the door.

"I GOT IT!" James screamed, running out of Heather's bedroom and booking it to the door. When he opened the door about 90 men and women in white overalls came rushing through and into her bedroom. "These are my homies, they'll take real good care of us, don't worry. We'll be out in no time!"

"Whatever." Heather said before returning to her book. By the time anybody came back out of the room, it was the next morning and Heather was asleep on her couch with her finished book resting on her stomach.

"Heather?" James whispered as he ushered all of his crew out the door. "Eddie come here, she's out cold." He called to Eddie. He shut the door as the last of the men and women left the apartment and walked over to Heather.

Eddie came into the room and stood next to James. "Well, she finished her book... what was she reading anyways?" Eddie picked the book up and read the title. "War and Peace. I hear this is good." He said as he slammed it down on the table, waking Heather from her slumber.

"GARY COLEMAN!!" She screamed, obviously in shock from her rude awakening. "What happened?" Heather sat up and rubbed her eyes. "What time is it?" There was morning light spilling into the room from the open windows and she smiled.

"Heather, look at Eddie!" James was pointing to him with a grin.

"Oh my gosh! Eddie! You clean up really well!" Somehow, in the few hours she was out, that mystery team of James' had gotten Eddie completely clean and well combed. Not to mention they had made an entirely new outfit that fit him perfectly and made him look sharp and clean. "James, you look much fresher. Did you shower?"

"Yeah, isn't it great. I always wondered what soap was actually for..." Realizing he was getting a strange look from his peers James went on to explain that he would make sure they had lots of soap at his house because his wife would get upset if there wasn't a bar of soap in the shower. "I guess she thought I used a lot of it or something. I don't know where it all went, but for some reason, every time I got in the shower, the soap would be gone and there would be nothing but blue residue and a wire, soap-less pad left in it's place."

"What kind of Soap did you buy?" Heather asked.

"S.O.S." James said.

"...How did your wife die again?" Heather asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Pick an ending and I'll tell you." James replied.

"Do any of them include excessive blood loss?"

"No, why?"

"Never mind." Heather said.


End file.
